Negative Confessions

"Sometimes I feel like being transgendered is like being a part of a Mystery Tradition,"  I told my boyfriend several months ago, "There's just so much bad information out there."  Dead ends.  Misconceptions.  Right away I'm reminded of Ancient Egypt's Negative Confession, where a dead person would stand before the goddess Maat and have their heart weighed.  According to the "Book of the Dead" they had a litany to recite, "I have not cheated in the fields...I have not caught fish in their ponds...."  I am not a dragqueen, I am not a crossdresser, I am not porn star, a prostitute or a gay man.  I do not own a copy of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

     That was half a year ago.  The other day I went to a grungy, Bohemian cafe (my favorite) and sat by myself.  I was writing a script and chewing my pen.  A girl on the other side of the hall called over from a couch, "I love your dress."  I was wearing a two-pieced vintage dress my boyfriend's mother gave me, all floral prints and buttons with fishnet stalkings, black boots and a beaded rosary.  She came over a few minutes later to compliment my fashion sense.  Halfway through the conversation I mention being transgendered.  It happened pretty organically when we were discussing hardcore feminists.  That was the first time I successfully "passed" in public.  The girl across from me flinched, shook her head and asked me to clarify.

     "You're transgendered?"  I'd like to think in some alternate dimension Past-Me heard us and smiled.  I sure did.

     But being transgendered and passing isn't the finish line.  Which brings another misconception to mind:  "Being transsexual means you save up for surgery."  This isn't necessarily true.  For me, it's a Negative Confession.  Surgery is not the final goal for this transsexual.  Legalization is, my name change is, the F on my driver's license is.  And yes, for the longest time, passing was.  It still is, and I look forward to the day I pass one-hundred percent of the time, but it's less important than it was three years ago.  When I first started transitioning, passing was one of the biggest goals for me.  So was surgery, down the line.  But as I pressed on these things lost priority.  It took a long time for me to realize where I stood on the surgery scale but when I finally realized how female my mind and body had become I had several epiphanies.  And that's why I'm blogging, to create epiphanies, to share secrets, to shift paradigms. To share my experiences as a non-op transsexual.