"Sometimes I feel like being transgendered is like being a part of a Mystery Tradition," I told my boyfriend several months ago, "There's just so much bad information out there." Dead ends. Misconceptions. Right away I'm reminded of Ancient Egypt's Negative Confession, where a dead person would stand before the goddess Maat and have their heart weighed. According to the "Book of the Dead" they had a litany to recite, "I have not cheated in the fields...I have not caught fish in their ponds...." I am not a dragqueen, I am not a crossdresser, I am not porn star, a prostitute or a gay man. I do not own a copy of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
That was half a year ago. The other day I went to a grungy, Bohemian cafe (my favorite) and sat by myself. I was writing a script and chewing my pen. A girl on the other side of the hall called over from a couch, "I love your dress." I was wearing a two-pieced vintage dress my boyfriend's mother gave me, all floral prints and buttons with fishnet stalkings, black boots and a beaded rosary. She came over a few minutes later to compliment my fashion sense. Halfway through the conversation I mention being transgendered. It happened pretty organically when we were discussing hardcore feminists. That was the first time I successfully "passed" in public. The girl across from me flinched, shook her head and asked me to clarify.
"You're transgendered?" I'd like to think in some alternate dimension Past-Me heard us and smiled. I sure did.
But being transgendered and passing isn't the finish line. Which brings another misconception to mind: "Being transsexual means you save up for surgery." This isn't necessarily true. For me, it's a Negative Confession. Surgery is not the final goal for this transsexual. Legalization is, my name change is, the F on my driver's license is. And yes, for the longest time, passing was. It still is, and I look forward to the day I pass one-hundred percent of the time, but it's less important than it was three years ago. When I first started transitioning, passing was one of the biggest goals for me. So was surgery, down the line. But as I pressed on these things lost priority. It took a long time for me to realize where I stood on the surgery scale but when I finally realized how female my mind and body had become I had several epiphanies. And that's why I'm blogging, to create epiphanies, to share secrets, to shift paradigms. To share my experiences as a non-op transsexual.